Rainy Days

I’ve come through a lot of blogs and this has been quite a common topic since it’s the “in thing” I’m writing my own version of rainy days.I LOVE the rain…..even though it may come at such an untimely moment I still love the feel of the raindrops on my skin. I can always remember during my childhood days, back when I was still in lacy panties, I would immediately go outside and play in the rain with my cousins, splashing all around catching the rain with my palm and drinking the water. It has been quite a while since I did this, there were times when I am tempted to go outside and splash in the rain like I used to do. Of course I can’t do it with only my lacy panties since I have now this so-called breast, which might be small but still noticeable hehehehe. How I long to go back to my childhood days, back to where I don’t give a damn about what people think of me, back to where I only think of playing and sleeping, back to a world of fantasy where I used to pretend that I am with the fairies, back to a worry free life. But alas, I must wake-up and knock myself on the head, you are an adult now and with that comes full resposibilities but still that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be a child once more……. wanting to wear only my lacy panties with no care of the world…..

Independent Woman

It’s 2 a.m and I am nowhere sleepy. With too much time in my hands and nothing to do but write. Gosh! I am addicted to this blog. I can’t seem to stop writing. Okay repeat performance! With nothing to do… I went to Ria, Georgia and Maila’s blogsites and I can’t help noticing that men always sneaks up in at least one of the topic. Hay! Men! Something you know you’d like to live without but just can’t do. If they say that women are hard to comprehend aren’t they complicated too? While reading Ria’s “woman on top” …. Nakaingon ko ug “bitaw sa!”.  I am a very independent woman. It’s really hard for me to comprehend and up to now still blows my mind why men find it hard to accept women who are independent. I for one cannot understand this statement: “because you’re a girl”.  You can’t go out late a night because you’re a girl. You can’t go to a certain place alone because you’re a girl. You can’t drink too much tequila because you’re a girl.  Girls are not suppose to do this…Proper girls don’t do that. Damn this society! Yes I am a girl but that doesn’t mean I am fragile. I can very well take care of myself thank you very much.Guys and their “I am the man”  attitude can be so frustrating sometimes. So they are “the man”. So what?

Bitter Pill

What the hell is wrong with this blogsite? #@%^&*(@@##… Oh! so sorry for the swearing. I have tried so many times to enter but just cant. I had to change the password so I could get in. Now I have to remember this password. Remember me? Ms. Forgetful….. always forever forgetting. What was my name again?

Okay here goes my blog for this night ……

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This has not been a good day for me. Well, just now I feel shunned why? Well, I soo wanted to talk to somebody and the person that I wanted to talk to wanted to do it tomorrow. It is quite a bitter pill to swallow and I haven’t yet recovered from the disappointment.

This blog has been an outlet for me to holler out my happiness and disappointments. I guess I‘m much more expressive in writing though I’m no writer I assure you. Sigh! I still can’t get over my disappointment.
Just a while ago a friend suggested that I get a wedding planner and I sort of got angry not really angry but kinda frustrated, y? Because it’s something that I want to have but just cannot get. We are really on a very tight budget and there are a lot of stuff that I want to incorporate. As the day gets nearer the expenses are piling up (cost > savings) and the more I think about it the more I become obsessive and stressed. Is it really that bad to have everything perfect to the last miniscule detail? Does perfect have to be synonymous with cost? Okay I am resigning myself to the fact that I will only have a simple wedding. It’s the ceremony that counts…… think about the ceremony …..not the ka “ekekan”…..learn to “let go”. Okay Claire…let go…let go…dammit! I CAN’T……

Wedding…Wedding ….Wedding …..

Is it really this hard and exhausting to plan a wedding. I always think about it 24/7. Heck! I’m having nightmares about it. When I start to think about the things that I need to do I get a massive headache.
 
–July 23–

While we are on the topic of weddings, last night, i had a nightmare (again!) . I dreamt that it was reception time when I realized that my photographer has not arrived yet. Imagine my horror and feeling upon realizing that the moments were not captured. I think I was almost on the verge of having an anxiety attack when I woke up. And to think that I am just 5 months away what more if it’s really near. I might break down due to stress. My fiancee told me last night that I should stop panicking on money matters. I can’t help it!!! I’m always THINKING about it. I can’t get it off my mind.   Am I obsessed or just plain crazy.  Do brides really have to undergo this stress? Is it worth it? I’ve never been this obsessed in my whole life.
I chatted with a friend who is in u.s. now and asked me if I was really ready for the “forever” commitment (he is married by the way). I was so engrossed with the wedding “thang” that i haven’t stop and really “internalized” with this forever concept. Am I ready for such an eternal commitment?

A background:
I set a timeline that I should get married only when I’m 28. When my fiancee asked me to get married last year I was hesitant because I felt I was too young to get married. I still have so many things that I want to do while I was single! He was being soo persistent that I finally agreed. I wasn’t really ready at that time. When did I realize that I was ready? Just recently, just 2 months ago hehehehe to think I agreed to get married 6 months ago. Why did I changed my mind? Well, I compared him to other men and no one comes close to him literally and figuratively. hehehehe Wala nay mas batig nawong niya hehehe jk lang. I fell in love with him all over again get it??? I don’t get it either hahahaha. We were having a “blah” relationship b4 he transferred to manila … I mean it was too routinely that it was driving crazy.  When he transferred there he literally changed, he was more sweet and caring I guess being away affected his brain. We get to talking again (which we haven’t done when he was in here)  almost everyday and we never run out of anything to talk about! I felt renewed and this was the feeling that I had  when he was still courting me! I always get a giddy feeling when we see and talk to each other and I felt that I was getting more in love with him as the days go by. Life couldn’t get any better than this and I finally realized that “this is it!”. I could not imagine my future without him in it (mura gikan man ni sa salida!). I gotta grab this man b4 it’s too late. Hehehe. 

 Wow! That was a lengthy background. Now that I have realized this forever thing…. Now I’m obsessed with the ceremony! I just want everything to be PERFECT! Okay enough day dreaming, GET BACK TO WORK hehehe ….

Tiring Day

I just had a very tiring day. Nothing good came out of it! We’ll I decided that I want to do “somthing” ’bout the wedding preps. Well, I went to sweet temptations and got lost, I was expecting a bakeshop but alas it was a residence (so that’s why I got lost!). Had a great time although the owner wasn’t there. Tasted their cakes i.e. carrot cake, walnut cake and rum? not sure … and a glass of mirinda all for free hehehe. Called lany up to ask for directions (going to colon) and well messed up the directions! Instead of riding 06f I rode on 06h which is going to ayala. Damn it! We’ll decided to just ride a 04c jeepney but b4 there made pa”cute” to the concierge of west gorordo hotel so I could pee. Hmmm…. makadani pa diay ang akong beauty hehehe! Well went to colon and got lost again! ha! I did not even see the shop that I was looking for ?$@@$^&????????? blast! Decided to just go to J.Y. to buy party fone prepaid card. Bought coffee and fries at mcdonalds and directly went to the ofis. And that my friends … is my “useless” walk.

I met an ex-admirer last night and he called and txted me this –>”rily nyc sein u agen, I honestly dnt understand how I fil. hapi na sad, amaw man gd ko. … ambot oi. myb nt n dis lyf tym” hehehe well what can you say! I’ve got a killer charm! hehehe

Birthday Blues

It’s my birthday today, hurray! I’m still expecting something from someone … hope never fails its still morning but hey I’m expecting the worst. I’m bracing myself for the worst.
If your reading this. Hope you get the hint. hehehehe. Wow! 25 .. I wonder if I’m having a quarter life crisis if there is just such a thing. Silver anniversary wonder what I should have as gift for myself. I don’t want ANYTHING, honestly what else do I need??? Except the “ONE” which I really, really want. But as I said b4 I’m bracing myself for thw worst.
I’m quite surpised by the thoughtfullness of my friends, like recieving 2 e-cards, one from my former SV and one from my former barkada. Wonder why it’s all former? Maybe I’m really getting old. Getting a lot of emails and txt from current ofis mates and former ofismates, even from an office mate quite a shore away from here. Maye I am special. OK, I am special.
My mama is really weird she gave me 3 hankies, 1 fan and 1 umbrella. She gives really weird gifts but that’s okay its uniqueness is always embedded in my mind. She gave me a lot almost all the food at home like the cake, lechon kawali and part of the lasagna.
As I always said its the thought that counts… the small and simple things are always the one remembered. Personalized ecards from friends are really appreciated.
Anyways Happy Birthday to me. May I have what I alwayas longed for.

P.S.
The flowers that I mentioned a while ago was just a figment of my imagination. I’m always imagining….imagining…. hoping…hoping….

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Well I guess miracles do happen. hah! I got what I longed for and more. I got flowers from my fiance (first time I really used this endearment) and well I was really ectastic! wow! this has been the best birthday so far +++the best card, it really made my day . I was also quite surprised that my girl barkada in the office gave me a spa gift certificate and flowers too! hhmmmm.. wish I could post the pictures here ….. Ate the whole day! I’m going get really fat…and to think that I need to lose weight! ha!

Lunch break

It’s lunch time. An update on my life changing schedule: nada! well at least a little. hahahaha! Damn these blasted emails. Can’t think of something to do besides sleep (I’m not in the mood for this). My life is too routinary, which is why I find my life an extreme bore. Well so far this is my routine:
Mon-Fri.
Wake up at 6:45 …can I sleep some more, undertime kaha ko no?… and press the snooze button … 5 minutes…5 minutes (do this 3x.)suddenly bolt upon realizing that it’s 7:00. Hurriedly take a bath…. look for shampoo if not available. Look for the pants, look for the belt, stare at the closet and decide what to wear. brush teeth and hurriedly go to the front door. Oooppps I left my cellphone… go back the stairs again. Arrgg! can’t find it..look for another cellphone so I could call my self. Shuck it’s right under my eye! Damn! Damn! I’m going to be late.
7:25 or 7:30
Wait for a jeepney -> While in the jeepney, constantly looks at the watch and swear a lot of times. Eyebrows meeting. Traffic! again. Scold oneself for not waking up early.
7:50
run for my life. Wish someone would stop so one would give me a ride. Go for the 100 meter dash! It’s either, Yes! I made it or darn! I’m late again.
8:00
Open PC, read first few emails…. drink water, wash the mug, make your own concoction of coffee..taste it, there is something lacking! Why can’t I get the right concoction. Sigh! Read Emails again! until 9:00 hehehe read inq7.net, stare at the code and try to debug, if suddenly bored look at wedding pictures… and wished your wedding could be that beautiful. If really really bored look for witchcraft sites, search in google for apocalypse.
10:00
go to lunch, always hear someone making a comment regarding the size of my lunch box, make chicka for 30 min. or more. As always SEX topics always creep up.
12:00
Read Email, surf the net…wedding stuff, listen to music, watch movies if there is anything new, sleep or play bomberman
3:00
Afternoon snacks and again make chika as always SEX always creeps up.
5:00
go to gym (t-th), go home, stroll in ayala… now new schedule -> go to cooking lessons(m-w-f)
10:00 up,
watch t.v., talk on the phone or if upset surfs the net and well….. do something.

12:00 up
Go to Sleep …… and …

….the alarm rings again and I press the snooze button… get the idea?

Damn! I Should get a life. If this is life then get me the hell out of here!

To be continued -> Friday, Saturday and Sunday Schedule.

P.S.
don’t mind the grammatical error, the wrong spellings…heck! I’m not an editor so I don’t proof read what I write.

Last Post -> I promise.. for this night

Okay I’m kicking myself right now. OK I promise I will do that 7 minute abs work out. Tomorrow I’ll close my email and well work dammit. You’ve been obsessed with your email long enough so stop that nonsense and get on with your life. You need to have an excellent resume, remember? you need to transfer to another company. Reality check, Claire….. you can never do that until you will yourself to do it. Off topic:I really have such horrendous hands, with all the veins almost popping out. My abs is bulging too…. so I really need to attack that stupid machine. DO IT! DO IT! Damn, ok ok I’ll do it.

OK here’s to a new working life : only check emails from 8:00 -9:00, lunch and 5:00 PM up. ok. ok. if its not project related then leave it alone. ok? it’s a deal! Sigh! Can I do it? Ok exception you can reply an email to your unromantic lalabs. No more chismis ok. If you’re not doing anything then STUDY dammit!

I’m going….going to that abs machine wish me luck! (Need to drink water 1st ‘coz I’m really thirsty).

Getting the hang of it

Hey, this is fun. I’m new to this and well I feel better just writing my thoughts. Just a warning, I’m not much of a writer soo….. I don’t know. This is a useless rant anyway. I’m really bored. I can’t sleep. I’m kind of frustrated with “me” lately, I just can’t seem to discipline myself. Like I promised yesterday that I really must begin to attack the abs machine upstairs and now I’m finding ways to escape doing it. What to do? What to do? How do I kick myself in the ass just to get going. I’m lazy, lazy, lazy.

Just releasing

Have you ever longed something so damn bad that you’d move heavens and earth just to have it. Just tonight I cried a bucketful of tears. I just want to release this pent-up emotion. AHHHH! It’s been almost 6 years and I just can’t seem to have this much coveted thing. THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. Call me shallow but damn it’s just so important to me. Why is it sooo hard to covet? Why do I feel like crying everytime I think of it? I can feel my hope slipping away……away….away………. until I can’t grasp it no more. Shit! The keyboard is getting wet, I’m getting emotional again. Why am I such in a complete mess? Just because of that stupid thing? This is really ridiculous. Okay, STOP!